Is this the end or the beginning…..?

 

 

In March of 2018, I was living happily with my mum and my 3 younger sisters. I had just started a new high school and made plenty of new friends. I was doing very well in the school - I even volunteered to work in the school library! But little did I know that week was going to take a dark turn….

 

Life in care. Who would ever think about being split up from your family and living with complete strangers? Certainly not me.

 

On the 14th March, I came home after school like a normal day, but that night turned into the worst. My mum had become really sick, and my sisters didn't know what was going on so they couldn't handle it. 

 

It turned out that my mum needed to go to the hospital that night, but we had nowhere to go. By then, we already had a social worker in place, and she had no other option but to put us into emergency accommodation with foster carers. I wasn't too happy as me and my sister’s had to split up. I went with one of my younger sisters, and two of them were together. Of course, I had to be the big sister and act very calm in the situation, and keep in mind that it was only going to be for a few nights until my mum got better.

​

I was such a calm young girl who always wanted to help. It had been 5 days since we were put into temporary foster care, and then it was Friday the 23rd of March. We were all meant to be going back home that day back to our mums. It was a non-uniform day at school, and I was so excited to get home and tell my mum all about school.

 

1:27pm: I had been pulled out of my lesson to go to the meeting room and I thought “yes my mums going to be there!” And she had managed to get my phone fixed so I was very happy that day. Only then as I walked into the room, I see my three older siblings. I wasn't close with any of them around that time then, so I was confused. I kept asking “where's mum?”

 

My siblings look destroyed, and they were dripping in tears. I was so confused about what was going on. I sat down and my brother held my hand extremely tight and I got told the worst news any daughter could receive. My mum had sadly passed away that morning. I didn't believe it - why would I? They must be lying! After that day, I knew I was going to be stuck in care forever. From that day, my life was about to change for the worst.

 

A few months had flown by, and I wasn’t doing very well. I’d been to 7 different foster placements, and some of them were abusive and toxic. I was only 12 at the time.

My sisters had all been split up, and I didn’t know what to do with myself. I had started to have bad mood swings and I refused to eat or leave the house.

Before I knew it, I was in Year 8 at the start of a new school year, and I was told I was moving into a children's home. I didn't know exactly what this all meant at the time. I was scared I would be living with other children.

 

It had been a bad start to living in the home. I was living with an older girl, and it wasn't the best. I started missing school, and if I went into school, I wouldn't go to the lessons. After so many months of living in the same home, I knew it was going to be

permanent. I shaved all my hair off and changed my name. When I was in school I started getting more aggressive and violent. I would have fights with other students or refuse to do work in lessons. I became not so much of a good person. 

I got around the wrong type of people, and I couldn't stop myself from it all. I ended up getting excluded a lot and failing my classes. I had become very immature and I was displaying very bad behaviours in my care home in which I would have incidents. I also did struggle with the other children that lived there, so the staff could understand parts of my issues.

 

The following year going into Year 9, Covid-19 happened which meant I wasn’t going to school, and this was extremely hard for everyone. I had basically missed a whole year of school, and I couldn't focus on doing it at home as I couldn't rely on my care team. I could no longer see my friends or leave my house. That's when my mental health started to get worse, and it did go downhill for a few years.

​

Through Covid-19, I decided to let my hair grow out naturally and not cut it anymore. I couldn't get it done due to all the hairdressers being shut everywhere. Let’s just say Covid-19 showed me positives and negatives. I started having fights and daily arguments with my carers, but from that point on, a lot started to change for me.

​

The worst thing that hurt most care kids throughout Covid-19, was not being able to see your family and that's our main priority and our comfort. It was at least a year until I saw my baby sisters, and when I reunited with them, I felt like the happiest girl!

 

Year 10 - it was the first year back at school. Due to Covid-19, we all had to wear masks and keep following the rules, such as distancing and sanitising our hands after and before each lesson. I still wasn't focused on my education as much, as from December, we went into another lockdown, and we didn't go back to school again until May 2021. This was so hard for me as I needed to do something to get out of my care home.

 

It was half-term before Year 11 started, and I started thinking of my future. I have always wanted to be a writer, so I would write stories when I'm feeling down or when I miss my mum, knowing that I'm making her proud. I realised I needed to start concentrating for Year 11 as I had my GCSEs coming up, and I really wanted to get the right grades for college. 

​

I volunteered in the summer to be a prefect, which meant through half-term, I went to school to show the new Year 7’s their way round and we did some fun activities with them. This increased my confidence and career. I started going into school every single day and trying my hardest to focus on my studies. I even lost some friends due to me wanting to succeed in my future. 

 

Meanwhile at home, I started becoming independent. I'd say I've always been independent due to my past, but I started helping more with cleaning and cooking (not a lot). I did GCSE food tech, which I loved. I’d always bring the food home to let my care team try, and let’s just say they loved my cheesecake!

 

I was about to turn 16 years old, and I was scared knowing that I didn't have long left in my care home. Less than 2 years….

The home started to feel like my own home, and I felt safe in it.

​

In October a new carer arrived, and I was quite nervous as many carers had just left and I didn’t want to build a relationship or trust anyone. But we both became close instantly. She was helping me with my mental health a lot and supporting me through school, and no matter what, she was always there for me.

 

In December 2021, an incident had occurred at school where a teacher had crossed the line by mentioning my mum. Now everyone knew at the time that mentioning my mum was crossing the line, and that's where I lost my control. Now, until this day, I will never learn how to handle people mentioning it as she was my mother.

I was permanently kicked out of my high school, and they mistreated me. They knew I was trying harder in school, and I started achieving high grades like I did in my mock exam. I passed all of them!

 

I then started a new school, but it didn't quite work out, so I became homeschooled, and I decided to put my head down in my revision. I wanted to be a paramedic or help people in my situation and that was my goal.

 

When GCSEs month came around, I was extremely scared, but I had my care team right there to support and calm me down in stressful situations. My biggest supporter through my exams, was my manager - even though she was still new to the role. I appreciated her, even though she didn't realise how the smallest things she did mattered.

 

My mental health was always a struggle, but I had a few good carers who were there for me. They were there for me through my hospital trips, and even when I had tried to take my own life. I would always regret doing this when thinking about how others would feel.

 

I was accepted into college! I may not have done the best in my exams, but I passed the ones I needed to. I knew my future was about to begin, and things were about to change.

 

1 year later……
 

Hello, Helen speaking! This is me in the present now, and it’s been my first year at college. I'm so proud of myself and how I have managed to get through it all while passing all my exams and assignments. I am taking driving lessons now, and I’m currently looking to move out. I leave in August, and it's going to shatter my heart the day I leave.

 

I know things haven't always been the best, but this past year I’ve become an independent women who has big things ahead of her. I may not admit it a lot, but I do love my care team. They are supportive and encouraging, and yes, I’ll admit, I do have favourites, but I feel so much comfortable around them now. I tell them my problems, all the drama I hear, and so much more. But the time is coming closer and closer each day where I take my next steps and leave. It’s not going to be easy, we all know that, but I’m going to make you all so proud! 

​

I'll be applying for university next year to study Paramedic Science, and I’m going to write my own book like I’ve always said. I’m so proud of how strong I have been these past 5 years, and I'll always be a big sister to my peer. I know this, and I hope you all know this too, that I’m so grateful for every single one of you. 

 

To my peer - you better be a good role model to the next child! They are going to be just as nervous as you were on your first day. But now, it’s my time to go, and for you all to meet new people.

 

To the next chapter in another lifetime….